dishes

Spending time with our children, being intentional, is probably one of the best ways to love them as they grow. How come I keep making it so much more difficult than it needs to be?

Baby Girl: Momma, can we play a game?

Me: Not right now sweetie, I have to do the dishes.

Baby Girl: Momma, can you read me a story?

Me: Not right now sweetie, I have to do the dishes.

It's almost as if she has a "sink is full" radar. 

Today I walked into the house and had the frustrating thought, 'my sink is always full of dishes'. But then I realized something... my sink is ALWAYS full of dishes, and it will continue to be that way as long as human beings live in my house. So if it's going to be full anyways... for the rest of my life..., why not set time aside when she needs me and be there for her. I hope I will be more available in the future! 

honest thoughts re: singleness

I read this blog post the other day that did a pretty swell job at describing some of the thoughts/worries that come with being unmarried in your thirties. The author touched on truths like, "your life starts the day you're born, not the day you get married". She also speaks my heart when she says, "I will remain single until I find a man with whom I can bring God more glory than I could as a single woman."

But the post also got me thinking about a couple things that I really have wrestled with lately. One of those being the way people have falsely perceived my life as being complete, semi-perfect, and independent. I like posting the good parts in my life ... when things with my ministry look successful or encouraging, when my foster daughter and I share a sweet memory together, when I actually put on makeup and real clothes to go out for a change. The thing is, I think it's good for me to allow people, including single guy friends, to also glimpse some of my struggles, like... I get discouraged in ministry a lot. I forget to pray and I definitely don't meditate on God's words everyday like I should. I send baby girl off to school with oatmeal all over her face and I even get angry and yell at her when I shouldn't. I have half painted ceilings and doors in my home and the lawn is always way too long by the time I actually cut it. So what's the point? Why do I want people to know those things? I guess I want the opportunity to be real, and liked for that person, not the always-put-together image that comes across. I've also had people, in so many words, tell me that I am too independent for most men to have the confidence to pursue ... so maybe I want to put that idea to rest at the same time as not backing down on who I am, just to feel desired.

Speaking of not backing down, I've also fought with the temptations to "cool it" with some of the things I'm doing in life in order to not intimidate single guys. This one I suppose is just that human heart being caught listening to the Liar again. My heart does that some times, God's words are pretty strong and generally win out after a short time of doubt but it still takes jabs at my faith in the God who's called me on this unique journey.

That's just a lot of honest blabbering that I'm sure isn't anything you haven't heard before ...maybe this mom stuff is causing me to need a way to express myself more!

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A Prayer

God,
Somewhere there is a man following you. He knows he needs you so he seeks your guidance. He is not perfect, he desires to be a man honored for his faith more than his possessions. He is gentle and compassionate towards his family, he loves strongly, deeply, and sacrificially. He's considered godly because of his relationship with you, not just because he serves at church on Sunday. God, you know exactly who this man is and what he is doing. I often fear and doubt that it would be possible for a man to see, admire, and accept me and the journey I'm on but how silly is that!? If this is your path, and not mine, then I can't doubt that you are able to guide in a man's heart as well.

the body

We're taught it from an early age ...things like 'don't compare yourself to others', and 'God created us all different for a reason'. But what do we do as we grow up .... we compare! We want what someone else has or we start thinking less of ourselves if what they are doing appears better.

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, "I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand," that does not make it any less a part of the body... If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear...?

But our bodies have may parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, "I don't need you." 

God is doing a lot through my life, yes, and I love it! But what I hate to see is others looking at what I am doing and comparing themselves. They look at my life and somehow feel less productive, less worthy. First of all, not only is that extremely not fair but what are we telling God when we allow those thoughts to plant in our hearts? I am speaking to myself just as much as I am to anyone else but I want everyone to to be doing a heart check when it comes to our gifts. Let's spend more time asking God if we're doing all that He's asked us to do and less time thinking our gifts aren't quite good enough. If we remembered how much God is able to do though us, we would work at it everyday, tirelessly... working together as a team for His forever kingdom.

I need your help, but not like that.

Again and again, this keeps coming up and it's still not sitting right with me. it's the same story ... you get to know someone with a deep need (education, acceptance, finances, love, employment, etc.). Your heart feels for them, you know that it can be better, you know there are ways to help them out of this bind. So you offer a hand, you offer advice, whatever you can do to be their support so that they can succeed in this. But after a week, or a couple months maybe, you come to find out something that alerts you. They start ignoring your suggestions and the offers you've given that aren't easy enough. You find out that they don't really want it unless it's free and they don't have to work for it. Then you become cynical. You become okay with saying, "I'll only help those who are willing to help themselves." And that makes sense in our minds, because I can't do everything for everyone I know who wants me to do life for them.

I believe that they truly want their situation to be different... but for them, it's climbing a jagged mountain that, for you, might only be a little hill. They have so much going against them; lack of education, ignorant support system, lack of self discipline from a young age, etc. But what should we do? I know I can't help them all, and even trying to help one might be so draining. But does that mean I completely let them go once they stop caring enough to change on their own?

"Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't"

That's the quote that I've heard spoken by someone I really respect. I have a hard time accepting that as something Jesus would do but the funny thing is, that's almost exactly what happened to me with my foster daughter. She didn't care, I could do nothing for her. I had the hardest time allowing myself to be okay with "giving up on her". But I really believe God allowed the situation to happen the way it did because she just didn't care.

So is this something that we take to God on a case by case basis and see what He has to say? My first thought is that Jesus wouldn't say that line to anyone. But then I think of the rich, young ruler. He knew that he needed to love God but in order to do that, he needed to do something that was SOO hard for him, almost impossible-seeming. All Jesus did was tell the man what he already knew. Jesus didn't hold his hand and go to his house and help him organize a "sell pile" of all of his things. Jesus knew the man could physically do that himself, and that he actually had to be the one to make that call. Jesus couldn't do it for him. So that makes sense to me. But my heart still breaks for my neighbors who may have either some form of mental illness or lack of wise upbringing. They don't have all the tools to make these decisions. They may be so wounded and broken that they need additional assistance.

I'm still not settled on a clear response to this situation I see over and over again. But I do continue praying for wisdom from the Holy Spirit. I know He will guide and remind me of all the things that Jesus taught. I know I'll probably mess up in my efforts to help the needy ... but that's okay. I need to love them and never stop. Love will look different for each of my neighbors, but they still need it. They need Jesus and He's asked me to point them to Him so I pray that if nothing else, I will always be faithful in that.