honest thoughts re: singleness

I read this blog post the other day that did a pretty swell job at describing some of the thoughts/worries that come with being unmarried in your thirties. The author touched on truths like, "your life starts the day you're born, not the day you get married". She also speaks my heart when she says, "I will remain single until I find a man with whom I can bring God more glory than I could as a single woman."

But the post also got me thinking about a couple things that I really have wrestled with lately. One of those being the way people have falsely perceived my life as being complete, semi-perfect, and independent. I like posting the good parts in my life ... when things with my ministry look successful or encouraging, when my foster daughter and I share a sweet memory together, when I actually put on makeup and real clothes to go out for a change. The thing is, I think it's good for me to allow people, including single guy friends, to also glimpse some of my struggles, like... I get discouraged in ministry a lot. I forget to pray and I definitely don't meditate on God's words everyday like I should. I send baby girl off to school with oatmeal all over her face and I even get angry and yell at her when I shouldn't. I have half painted ceilings and doors in my home and the lawn is always way too long by the time I actually cut it. So what's the point? Why do I want people to know those things? I guess I want the opportunity to be real, and liked for that person, not the always-put-together image that comes across. I've also had people, in so many words, tell me that I am too independent for most men to have the confidence to pursue ... so maybe I want to put that idea to rest at the same time as not backing down on who I am, just to feel desired.

Speaking of not backing down, I've also fought with the temptations to "cool it" with some of the things I'm doing in life in order to not intimidate single guys. This one I suppose is just that human heart being caught listening to the Liar again. My heart does that some times, God's words are pretty strong and generally win out after a short time of doubt but it still takes jabs at my faith in the God who's called me on this unique journey.

That's just a lot of honest blabbering that I'm sure isn't anything you haven't heard before ...maybe this mom stuff is causing me to need a way to express myself more!

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