Gentlemen,
I’ve been thinking about writing you guys about this for a few months now but haven’t taken the initiative to do so until now. In short: I’ve noticed a destructive and reoccurring pattern of gossip amongst our friends that has alienated some and damaged their trust. This gossip has taken more than one form but it is most obvious in the way we treat the potential interests of the women in our circle of friends. The way we regard the men they pursue/are pursued by and the influence we exert on their friendships.
I absolutely do not claim innocence in this regard (nor do I claim that each of you is guilty). I have started and exacerbated my own fair share of this and regret my part. And while I have been trying to help pull in the other direction for awhile now, I confess that I have taken a very weak handed approach. I have tried to counter balance and soften the gossip rather than helping stop it.
As Christians we’re supposed to embody and represent the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. We’re called as Timothy was to treat women “as sisters, in all purity”. I don’t think that we hold to these things as often as we should. Instead, I have noticed a reoccurring pattern of bullying either passively or actively. In this way, we try to shape the outcome to what we believe it should be.
A very representative example of this would be the way many of us treated, and in some ways continue to treat, Melanie’s relationship with Tim. The very first thing I heard about Tim was that he was a “douche-bag”. That he was “weird”. I heard jokes about his hair, clothing, way of interacting with people, his bike. Before we knew him everyone was calling him “Timaceptor”. And while these things were seemingly harmless because they were said in secret, they had an effect on how everyone interacted with Melanie, Tim, and the couple they became. Very few of us made a real effort to look past those first reactions and to get to know Tim the person. It was much easier to ignore Tim the cliché than to deal with Tim, the friend of one of our best friends. Even now, mockery has abounded at the way he proposed to her.
These things hurt Melanie a lot. And while much of her absence the past year can be attributed to the rigors of law school, I believe she made less effort to spend time with us because of the way we treated Tim. She conveyed in private to several the pain we caused.
This is not the only time this has happened. Recently I found myself participating in the same kind of runaround with Heidi’s friend Ryan. The same temptation to condemn, form harsh opinions, make predictions, and manipulate Heidi with “advice” or friendly “jokes”. While these things may seem harmless, I know for a fact that feelings have already been hurt even in this situation…though we have every opportunity to correct this now.
I don’t want to belabor the point, I just want to encourage you—as I am encouraging myself—to literally not speak if I don’t have something constructive to say. As James says, “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” And also “if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body”.
This isn’t just in regards to the girls and the guys they like but every aspect. The same temptation to control, speak ill of, make light of someone else’s decisions is still there. We should be, without exception, protecting our friends from ridicule not participating in it.
Paul says in Ephesians that when the body of Christ is functioning properly, the body “grows so that it builds itself up in love.” I would encourage you to consider that if you have a problem or concern with a decision a friend is making, limit those whom you talk to it about and how you talk about it. Make your primary concern, if necessary, to lovingly share this with the person involved for their benefit rather than making it a running joke behind the person’s back or trying to bully them into seeing things from your perspective.
As I said, this is written to no one in particular and is something I am holding myself to. I know this was long but I figured it is time to stop being subtle and be direct.
I write this confident that there will be positive changes because I’ve seen many positive shifts within our friendships over the past 2-3 years. We drank too much and we taught each other to practice self-control. We cursed frequently and stopped so that we might be more inclusive. We joked coarsely and by mutual agreement stopped.
Thanks for listening and I encourage you all to keep me accountable in this and I will make every effort to return the favor.
Clif
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I post this because I don't want to forget it. I post this because I'm proud of my friend. This is a pretty tight group that I've recently become a part of. As the e-mail mentions, they've been called out on problem areas before as a group and have committed to improving in that area. This is a good lesson to me, to take it a step at a time. I can't be perfect all at once, but rather than seeing the impossibility in that, I need to look at it in phases I suppose. I also need to learn how to "call people out on things." I think I get nervous of what to say and how to say it. I would love to look back on this post a year from now (if not sooner) and praise the Lord for how He's worked in my life in that area.. I pray there is great improvement, because God knows, there is much room for improvement.
