feelings talk - still a dreaded word

It isn't my intention to make this a "sympathy" post, just a strong reminder of how I feel now so that later in life when I'm raising my own kids, I don't allow them to grow up with the same problems I have.

My friend said something the other day about if a certain situation were to happen she would be absolutely furious. I got to thinking about that, if I'd be furious in the same situation... then I got to thinking if I'd ever be furious. It's such a strong reaction and a strong emotion to have. I don't think I have strong reations or emotions. Do I ever even get angry? I can't think of a time I've been angry. I can think of plenty times where I've been annoyed or simply bothered, but not angry. How does that come to be? I know it has something to do with how we were raised. We weren't raised to show emotions. What happens when you don't show emotion? You make a habit of hiding it. Showing emotion is embaressing. Even if it's a good emotion, it's automatically supressed. That's HORRIBLE... okay, maybe I'm getting a little angry now. Maybe the reason I don't have strong reactions and emotions is that I don't think through things? Anyways, back to what I was saying earlier - it's so horrible to suppress emotions because I can never talk through feelings with people.

100% some of the time?

Is giving 100% some of the time good enough?

Let's say I am at the mall and go into the first store. I am 100% Christ-like to the store clerk. I wander around picking up items I may want; have a casual, light-hearted, conversation with her; maybe pick something up off the floor and put it back; decide I don't want an item that is in my arms so I walk back to where I found it and put it where it belongs. She happens to notice and thanks me for doing that as most people would just set it anywhere. Alright, so maybe she didn't know I was a Christian by doing that, but that's not the point. The point is, when I left, she had an improved perception of me (and possibly others my age).

So I finish in that store and move on to the next. I walk in and shop around a little, causing noone any harm, just doing what I need to do. As I'm leaving, I bring the shopping cart to the general area they belong, take out my bags and leave. I didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but as I was walking away from the cart, a woman looked at me and I realized I could have just taken one extra step and pushed the cart in the same direction as the others and stacked it.

Now I was still thinking in my mind how good it felt that I did one simple little thing at the first store, it helped someone out, and they noticed... I gave 100% in the first situation but maybe only 50% in the second. The first store clerk thought highly of me because of my action and possibly thought I did that all the time, everywhere. The second lady could have thought of me as careless and maybe it even strengthened a view she had of all young people being careless.

My point being, to the second woman, I may as well have never done a good act in my life. She knows nothing about me. Both women were strangers and I will probably never interact with either of them again, but by one simple thing in each circumstance, they gained a perception of me. To the second woman's perception, it did me absolutely no good that I had just went above and beyond 15 minutes previously. Sometimes, in my mind, I tell myself that the good an outweigh the bad. That's probably not Biblical and certainly not true when it comes to strangers... so why should that be my idea in my normal everyday life, with my friends and people I come in contact with regularly. I can't justify being crabby to someone by telling myself that I'm USUALLY nice to them. It can't work that way, something's wrong with that.

God, please search my heart, find if there is any wicked way in me and don't let me justify it.

The tongue...

Gentlemen,

I’ve been thinking about writing you guys about this for a few months now but haven’t taken the initiative to do so until now.  In short: I’ve noticed a destructive and reoccurring pattern of gossip amongst our friends that has alienated some and damaged their trust.  This gossip has taken more than one form but it is most obvious in the way we treat the potential interests of the women in our circle of friends. The way we regard the men they pursue/are pursued by and the influence we exert on their friendships.

I absolutely do not claim innocence in this regard (nor do I claim that each of you is guilty). I have started and exacerbated my own fair share of this and regret my part.  And while I have been trying to help pull in the other direction for awhile now, I confess that I have taken a very weak handed approach. I have tried to counter balance and soften the gossip rather than helping stop it.  

As Christians we’re supposed to embody and represent the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  We’re called as Timothy was to treat women “as sisters, in all purity”.   I don’t think that we hold to these things as often as we should.  Instead, I have noticed a reoccurring pattern of bullying either passively or actively.  In this way, we try to shape the outcome to what we believe it should be.   

A very representative example of this would be the way many of us treated, and in some ways continue to treat, Melanie’s relationship with Tim.  The very first thing I heard about Tim was that he was a “douche-bag”. That he was “weird”. I heard jokes about his hair, clothing, way of interacting with people, his bike.  Before we knew him everyone was calling him “Timaceptor”. And while these things were seemingly harmless because they were said in secret, they had an effect on how everyone interacted with Melanie, Tim, and the couple they became.  Very few of us made a real effort to look past those first reactions and to get to know Tim the person.  It was much easier to ignore Tim the cliché than to deal with Tim, the friend of one of our best friends.  Even now, mockery has abounded at the way he proposed to her. 

These things hurt Melanie a lot. And while much of her absence the past year can be attributed to the rigors of law school, I believe she made less effort to spend time with us because of the way we treated Tim.  She conveyed in private to several the pain we caused.  

This is not the only time this has happened.  Recently I found myself participating in the same kind of runaround with Heidi’s friend Ryan.  The same temptation to condemn, form harsh opinions, make predictions, and manipulate Heidi with “advice” or friendly “jokes”. While these things may seem harmless, I know for a fact that feelings have already been hurt even in this situation…though we have every opportunity to correct this now.

I don’t want to belabor the point, I just want to encourage you—as I am encouraging myself—to literally not speak if I don’t have something constructive to say. As James says, “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” And also “if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body”.

This isn’t just in regards to the girls and the guys they like but every aspect.  The same temptation to control, speak ill of, make light of someone else’s decisions is still there. We should be, without exception, protecting our friends from ridicule not participating in it.

Paul says in Ephesians that when the body of Christ is functioning properly, the body “grows so that it builds itself up in love.”  I would encourage you to consider that if you have a problem or concern with a decision a friend is making, limit those whom you talk to it about and how you talk about it. Make your primary concern, if necessary, to lovingly share this with the person involved for their benefit rather than making it a running joke behind the person’s back or trying to bully them into seeing things from your perspective.

As I said, this is written to no one in particular and is something I am holding myself to. I know this was long but I figured it is time to stop being subtle and be direct. 

I write this confident that there will be positive changes because I’ve seen many positive shifts within our friendships over the past 2-3 years.  We drank too much and we taught each other to practice self-control. We cursed frequently and stopped so that we might be more inclusive.  We joked coarsely and by mutual agreement stopped.

Thanks for listening and I encourage you all to keep me accountable in this and I will make every effort to return the favor.

Clif

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I post this because I don't want to forget it.  I post this because I'm proud of my friend.  This is a pretty tight group that I've recently become a part of.  As the e-mail mentions, they've been called out on problem areas before as a group and have committed to improving in that area.  This is a good lesson to me, to take it a step at a time.  I can't be perfect all at once, but rather than seeing the impossibility in that, I need to look at it in phases I suppose.  I also need to learn how to "call people out on things."  I think I get nervous of what to say and how to say it.  I would love to look back on this post a year from now (if not sooner) and praise the Lord for how He's worked in my life in that area.. I pray there is great improvement, because God knows, there is much room for improvement.  

Blessed...

Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down.  His disciples came to Him, and He began to teach them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heave,

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:1-10

I read this passage but it didn't really grab my attention until the last statement.  

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

This passage is very familiar to me but I think that I've always thought it stopped after "persecuted."  Therefore, whenever I thought of those being blessed because they were persecuted, I thought of the Christians in China who are threatened, beaten, or murdered for their faith - not a Christian like me, sitting at a friends' dinner table, standing up for someone who is being mocked, or asking people to stop cussing and me being teased for it.  Now, I haven't done an extensive study on exactly what the word "righteousness" means, so I ought to do that... but if my guess is right, if we're standing up for what is right and being scoffed at, blessed are we.  

My Bible doesn't have a definition for the word, but it lead me to a passage in 1 Peter verses 12-14.

"For the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and His ears 

attend to their prayer...who is there to harm you if you prove

zealous for what is good?  But even if you should suffer for the

sake of righteousness, you are blessed.

And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled..."

There is so much I have to learn and to grow in, but one of those is definitely to be zealous for what is good, and not to fear the thoughts and feelings of people.  This will tie in somewhat with my next post, something that's been going on in my group of friends lately.

My favorite things

Mountains, hiking, camping, friends, campfires, sunshine... just a few of my favorite things all together made for a GREAT weekend. Saturday morning a group of us left for hiking in Roanoke. It was intended as a part of mine and Kara's "23 hikes in 2009" series we're working on but she had to back out. Me, Heidi, Jenn, Dennis, Cliff, Jon, and Jimmy. We arrived at the Appalachian Trail parking lot off highway 311 around 1pm. McAfee's Knob was the first hike. I didn't know much about it before I began, only heard a few things and seen a picture online. It was a medium difficulty hike I'd say, maybe even on the easy side of medium. I think it was about 2.7 miles to the Knob and man... when we got there, it was breathtaking for sure. The sky was bright blue with some white puffy clouds and we come out into a clearing and see this "knob" protruding right out over this huge, beautiful valley. It was amazing. We stayed up there for a while and hiked back down. The hike down wasn't too eventful but it was nice. Not quite the drenching sweat that we experienced as we climbed up! From the parking lot, Heidi and Cliff made their way back to the 'Burg to fulfill prior obligations for the following day. The rest of us took off to find a place to set up camp for the evening. We went to the parking lot of our next hike, "Dragon's Tooth." It wasn't too far away, also right off the AT. We found a good spot and only had to drag all our junk about a quarter a mile. We set up our tents and ate dinner... or was it the other way around? Probably... Everyone was SO tired. The evening chilled off a bit and we started a fire and just talked as long as we could stand to be up (mostly just waiting for the sun to go down!) Morning came after a long, windy night of attempting to not roll down the hill I was on and into the tent wall, as well as trying to ignore thoughts of the wind causing a very large branch to fall and stab me through the tent's thin walls! We ate a quick breakfast, packed up and Jenn and Jon left to head back. Dennis, Jimmy and I began our hike up Dragon's Tooth. It was a shorter hike but definitely more difficult. The first half was a pretty normal incline, once we got about half way it was stairs galore. The ground turned into large rocks and boulders that we had to step over and up onto. At some point along the way, I got what I deserved for wearing my Chaco's on the hike rather than suffering from blisters in my Merells. I hit a rock just right, catching my middle toe nail and tearing it right off. I didn't want to say anything to the boys so I just kept walking because I didn't want to complain! It didn't take long for every step to begin oozing blood and making my toe stick. There was so much climbing which was actually pretty fun because it was different. Finally we reached the top and climbed to the way top of these rocks. It was so beautiful! There was valley and hills all around. We sat up there and snacked a little. I got a little sick feeling between looking at my toe and being on the edge of this thing, but we were able to relax and just enjoy this creation. The trip overall was SO enjoyable. I couldn't be more thankful for the beauty we were able to see, the feeling you receive, and friends to share that with. Life certainly IS good and more than that, our God is good. Signing off for now but hoping for many more weekends like this!