should have

I am living a 'should have' life. I should have done this... I should have done that... Obviously you're always going to run into things like that in life. We make mistakes and looking back, we see how we should have done things differently, but I'm talking more about situations where I have a choice between two or more options and none of them are right or wrong... one may just be better for me.

Let's take yesterday evening for example. Dennis had Life Group so I had a 'free' evening to spend how I wished. I chose to go to the gym for a class because I rarely make time to do that and I'm paying for the stinkin' membership. Well I missed the first class because of traffic so I decided I could do something for the next 45 minutes 'till the next class started. *Marissa thinking of her options... I could be brave and try some of the 'muscle machines' in the back... I could ask the front desk for a class description of the next class so I knew what I was getting myself into rather than already formulating an excuse in my mind of 'oh, I don't know what type of class it is so I better not go and look like a fool.' There's a lot of things I could do.* I walked around the track about 3 or 4 times trying to make up my mind. I got on a treadmill and ran for a while till my stomach was sick (Little Ceasers doesn't sit as well as I once thought it did). As I was cooling down, I noticed the ladies starting to walk into the next class. I was 'iffy' on if I really wanted to or not, so I didn't go out and join them. I thought, there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing what I'm doing, just because I came to go to a class doesn't mean that I HAVE to attend it. So I got off and went for the bike, I needed to cross train anyways. I got done and felt pretty good about myself, I worked out.

Now here's another situation. Our company president sends out an e-mail yesterday asking for one volunteer to do some 'paid' work one day this week, and it would get us out of our regular job. All we had to do was get permission from our supervisor. I was really curious what the job might be and Dennis is always pushing me to, 'if you want to do something, why not just do it?' I was embarrassed to ask my boss in front of my co-workers, I wanted as few people as possible to know I was volunteering. Not because of some super spiritual, don't let your right hand know what your let hand is doing thing... I was just embarrassed. I don't like attention, who knows why. So I walked around a little bit, acting like I was busy, but really was just letting my stomach get in knots over wanting to volunteer but not making a big deal over it... I mean, it'd be easier just to let someone else do the job.... but I need to step out of my comfort bubble! So I asked. My boss sort of laughed and acted like I was being suckered into something dumb, but I was up for the adventure. I hate sitting around here doing nothing. Not long after I got a call saying I was chosen to spend the day volunteering for a United Way golf tournament all afternoon. Not so bad! Of course our president then proceeded to send out an e-mail to the entire staff announcing my name and my role in volunteering... dumb attention... but my co-workers keep talking to me about it today and it makes it sound like they are jealous. YAY! Go me. I stepped a little out of my comfort zone, did something I wanted to do, and it paid off. Now everyone at my work will wish they were me tomorrow... being outside all day, getting a tan, helping out a (relatively) good cause. See, there's a situation where I could have just left it alone and let someone else volunteer and it wouldn't have been a 'wrong' decision... but I went with my gut feeling and I am glad I did.

Was it wrong that I went to the gym to attend a class and instead just ran 2 miles and biked 5.5? No, I don't think that it was wrong. But I do want to remember the good feeling I had when I took a risk in a decision. Of course I'll probably do this again... maybe I'm just too used to 'settling' when a particular choice is hard.

I can't decide if I am just accustomed to it (it's just who I am!), and that's why I say I don't mind it, or if I am in denial and just don't want to change because that's hard! Change is a lot of work!