Psalm 112:1

every time I answer my door, it's a new surprise. this afternoon I got to hear a story that made my heart smile.

"Miss Marissa, today at school, I was standing in the lunch line behind a boy who had a broken foot and I prayed for him"

that's all she wanted to say before going off again to play with her friends, and I closed the door, so grateful to be a part of her special little life.

"well that happened..."

it's a phrase I've found myself using a lot lately. sometimes it's related to a situation I just had no control over, or maybe I made a decision that I later regretted because of the outcome. I guess it's my way of dealing with something that didn't go the way I'd imagined but unfortunately there's no turning back. by vocalizing, maybe I think the situation will then mend itself, "that happened, nothing I can do now, time to just move on." If only it were that simple to put the past behind.

I don't know about you, but I am way to quick to allow a particular thought or feeling rule my mind. And when I say rule, I mean it. straight up idolizing that feeling, worshiping even. I can think on that feeling and that feeling only.

so that happens... what's so wrong with that? I had one of those days recently. I just wanted to pout and hide myself by running. the problem is, what was controlling my mind? I was. me. that same night where I was really struggling, Jesus spoke to me though one particular page in my devotional.

I am renewing your mind. when your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.

 Jesus, my victory and sole source of strength. how could I lose sight of you so quickly? and look what happens when I quit seeking your face? I am so incredibly weak.

A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation...I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.

here comes 30, ready or not

wow - what a year it's been. I am floored when I think of all that's happened. There are days when I look at my life and the only comment I can make is "what a mess"... but what a beautiful mess God has made it. I can't say it enough, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my life looking like this before my 30th birthday but I love what He's done with my dreams. He has been making my heart His, my desires, His.

I have decided to follow Jesus and there is no turning back. I pray the same for you. Jesus's call is really a call to die. We give up our old lives because we have been promised the beginnings of something brand new! And this brand new life will not make sense to unbelievers. It may be mocked or avoided but that's okay because we know that this world can not satisfy - we labor for another kingdom!

I can't say that I'm really ready for turning 30 this coming month but I am extremely pumped to spend every single year living a life that makes less and less sense to this world and points a clear path straight at the One who deserves all the glory.

grief

Tonight I watched as my girl did something that I would never wish for anyone. I watched her, on her hands and knees, digging the perfect sized hole for the bouquet of flowers. And before laying out the colorful "it's my birthday" sash, she wrapped the balloon string around the stake one more time to keep it from blowing away with the next breeze. Everything she did tonight, she did in brave, bold, love. I watched as she loved her sister and cared nothing about herself. The cemetery was dark by now but we didn't even notice. I don't know how she did it, but she held it together until we stood up again. As we started singing happy birthday, the pain was all too real again. "Why did she have to die?" "I want her to be back."


I am so proud of this girl. I held her and rocked her as she sobbed through her painful, broken heart. I felt utterly helpless. One of those moments where every answer you have ever been taught is questioned by your heart. Today Kaylyn would have been 15. I wish I'd known her but I do know her sister. Watch, as I learn to love this daughter of mine and care nothing about myself.

gloriously ruined

Well I'm almost 7 months into my experience of being a first time mom. No diapers, bottles, spit up rags or baby weight to lose. Instead, it's been a whirlwind of teenage mood swings, social workers, therapy appointments and school suspensions. If this were a story I was writing, I'd choose the infant. But it's not my story. I can't ever make that clear enough, I didn't chose this, this didn't chose me, God is working this together. He's the only possible way this story may one day have a beautiful, shiny ending. For many years I was building a 'life wall' using bricks that were completely average looking. Doing my best to set them all straight, using the perfect amount of mortar surrounding each block so it would be even and pretty to each eye that gazed upon it. That wall is absolutely worthless, because I was building it for the kingdom of me. There's another Kingdom and the God of that Kingdom builds glorious cities with the most beautiful bricks and stones. His walls aren't built for the same damaging reasons that mine are. They are carefully crafted to point eyes and hearts to the Creator of this entire universe. They may involve pain and hurt, yet they sparkle because they have an eternal element to them that can not be lost or stolen.

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

So back to the mom thing. I've been a mom for 7 months, my daughter has been a kid for almost 14 years. 14 YEARS! This chick has way more experience at being a kid than I do at being a mom, can you see the disadvantage I'm at? Yeah, I've learned SO stinkin' much but even now I'm not prepared for this. Do you want to know what I think the biggest struggle is? The hardest part in all of this is lacking affection. I didn't have 14 years to grow to love this child. I didn't experience the "I'd give my life for you" moment that most parents feel the first time they lay eyes on their screaming newborn. I know as well as anyone that love is more than a feeling... but I keep praying that the Lord will shape my heart into a heart of compassion. A heart that looks ever so similar to His beautiful, loving heart.

When you foster and love a young person whose entire being has been so damaged, don't think that you can come out the other side with clean hands and a whole heart. To love them, you must enter into the pain and rejection. You will feel it yourself. You will tell yourself that you don't deserve to be treated like this. And then you will hear His voice, "she didn't deserve it either."

Someone once used the term, "gloriously ruined." My life plans have been ruined, gloriously.