work?

I'm purposely trying to write this while the tears are still fresh and the feelings still real. All the while, praying that someday I will be able to look back on this and HAVE to read the words in order to remember the feelings. That all sounds so dramatic for talking about a job, but it's that bad right now. I don't know if it's just me or if this happens to everybody but right now, I can't remember a time when I was more overwhelmed. I have Palmer Chiropractic which I was handed a while back, they didn't like the pictures I took or the tag i made the first time. So we decided to give it another go, by this time it was already past the scheduled air date. They didn't like my script or my visual layout of the commercial so they rewrote it all. It doesn't bother me that they want and ahve a say in their commercial, it bothers me that I've begun allowing them to walk all over me. It's not a very plesant feeling and it sure doesn't help build confidence. They still haven't gotten back to me. I have First Dominion Home Health. I was SO intimidated on my very first meeting with Reya and Henry and I don't know how well I did but they actually did like my script so that was a help in the confidence/feelings area. I still am working on taking charge of these projects, knowing what my place is. So things are moving slowly on that project as well. Reya is barely ever in town so that minimizes our shoot dates and I sort of put her in charge of finding talent for the commercial and that's been SUPER slow as well. Again, the scheduled air date has come and gone. I feel like all the sales people are down there talking about the mistakes I'm making and how I'm slow at getting the ball rolling. I REALLY am always thinking about what other people are thinking about me. Is that because I judge people alot that I think they are always judging me? Sad. I have C & E's Restaurant which is all just edit and slowing me down, getting a little frustrated with the little things I haven't figured out about Premiere yet. What could have taken like an hour has turned into me staying at work until 8 o 'clock on two nights this week and I'm not even that impressed with the outcome. Although Wade did make a quick mention of liking my idea for it's template. That raised my spirits a bit! I need praise, I don't think it's that bad of a thing to need, is it? I've tried to tell myself that I'm okay without it but I really do need it to keep going and to reaffirm things. I have Williams Morrison Light & Moreau attorneys which is a little scary expecially because I know the guy is super busy so I'll maybe get one phone call with him. ONE. I still get nervous on the phone with people, I'm getting better but when I get nervous I can't think straight and i forget to ask questions and i forget what I need to do to get the ball rolling and use that phone call productively. Plus, shooting something for a lawyer firm... yikes. I have Workforce Solutions. This guy is a creep. And in our meeting he asked me how long I've been "doing this" for. He asked it in a demeaning way that really bothered me. And it bothered me even more when Kristin told him that we have a whole TEAM who would help me and when we go to shoot this, I wouldn't be shooting it by myself, someone would be handling the camera and all the "technical" stuff. I know she was just trying to save our tails but that was still annoying. So this guy doesn't seem to have a sense of humor but wants a funny commercial. Funny is HARD to pull off, you have to do it just right. Scary. I have Central Virginia Soil Consulting. They are a nice couple, a little intimidating, but I can get over that becasue they are nice. I have a script written for them and they tweaked it a bit but i think they liked it. I think that I may actually be able to shoot them first it looks like. I feel like I've wasted so many weeks doing nothing and now I have ALL these piled on my desk. Wade also has be doing a LHOV segment by myself in Roanoke on Monday, i really wish he'd taught me to use the DV cam but i have to take Lucy and the tripod... I can't be too overwhelmed by that, it'll be alright. Tab is intimidating but he is also a nice guy, he'll understand. I feel like I have even more projects than these, but maybe not. It's SOO many. I need to get them done and in Wade's box ASAP. I don't know if I've really been able to explain the overwhelming feeling that I've been feeling. It's hard to go home knowing there's so much you have to do and so much your behind on. There's times i want to quit so badly... just give up. Something is making me hold on. I don't know what it is. It's probably the LORD reminding me of things - "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength," "I will not give you anything that you cannot handle." It must be because I've imagined KC coming up to me and asking if I want to quit today and even though it would be so tempting, I don't know if I could do it. That'd be the easy way out and it would profit me nothing. Man, I don't feel like I did a good job of really explaining my feelings...to myself...for reading...later. Well I cried alot this week and I came right home and went to bed each night. I was a party pooper. Noone understands, Heidi tried one night but I don't think she really cares. Plus, I still totally can't explain my feelings. I just don't know how to do that. I wonder if I ever will be able to do that.

When you just need to get away...

I need a place where it doesn't matter. Where it doesn't matter what kind of car I drive, or what clothes I wear. A place where my opinion is allowed to be different than hers. A place where I am loved all the time. A place where I need nothing and worry not. A place where I am not intimidated, but rather accepted. I need You.

Most Important Thing

Does it make me better than you because I eat healthy, am not overweight, work out, don't smoke/drink? As opposed to you who stresses, eats horribly, smokes, drinks too much. If I were to die in a car accident some day and you were to live, does it matter one bit that I did all those things to work to take care of myself? There's something missing, there's a hole. I think I know who can fill that void. The world tries to tell me that I'm a better person in the long run because I take care of myself better than you. But when you're at my funeral, what made me better?

blah blah - not worth reading

You know when you just can't help but complain? Well... maybe that's not the complete truth - more like, when you just don't want to keep from complaining? I don't know why I want to so badly. And it's weird because I don't even know what I'd complain about. What's the matter with me? It's just nice to write out everything and know that noone but me has to read it. It's just this job... when I really think about it, I like it and I'm excited. I actually get to make commercials for people that will air on TV and hopefully sell their product better than anything else! I have a reason to learn this new editing software that I've always wanted to get my hands on and I get experience communicating with clients - a necessary but scary skill =) I don't know if I get too worked up about little things but it seems like the little things that I don't know are turning into big things. I like working on computers and editing and being creative but right along side that is a requirement for me to know all the "little/techinical" things that I never learned. Like resolution and frame rate and burning formats and everything that goes along with those. And that's just the computer stuff, then there's the cameras. That's a whole nother story. Lord willing someday I will be able to learn it all but I just don't know. I know people would say that it'll come to me while training, just ask questions. It seems alot harder than that. I feel like I've been put in a position that I'm not ready for. I don't know those things that are considered "basic" to my boss. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe he'd care less and wouldn't look down on me at all if I said I didn't know what all those things meant but I'm still too afraid to ask. This is dumb, and not helping so I'm outta here. One good thing about today is that my dad got his shirt in the mail RIGHT before he left for Canada. When I was home on break he comented on my "eh?" shirt and said he should get one before he goes to Canada. I thought of it last night again and they hadn't received it yet so I was annoyed b/c what's the point of getting it after his trip?? So anyways, I prayed about it (remembering that God cares about the things I care about) and it definitly came this afternoon right before he left. Praising the Lord in good times and it bad....

The one in the middle

Today's sermon was from John 6... if you want to look at it technically it was filled with predestination talk but the way I saw it, wasn't from a "politically spiritual" standpoint but a very personal one. He used an example/picture today that really helped hit home. You're standing in between two friends. Friends who are your greatest, who know you the best, you are all so much alike. Then it comes to a desire for God. Your friend on your right is so passionate about his relationship with God and so at peace. Your friend on the left doesn't understand any of it, says it's all rubbish, he knows who God is, but God can't love him....


Then there's you... standing in the middle.


You, who knows who God is yet you don't love Him or hate him. Where did friend on the right's passion and desire come from? How come you don't have it?

We are like top soil, you go out to the hardware store and buy a bag of top soil, spread it out and wait.... and wait... and wait...where is the growth? Doesn't this stuff grow beautiful things you ask? Not on it's own, a seed must be planted. Plant that seed of desire, oh God. You say that anyone who comes to you will not be turned away. You long for us to know you, yet... where's my seed of desire? I'm begging, what am I doing wrong?