work?

I'm purposely trying to write this while the tears are still fresh and the feelings still real. All the while, praying that someday I will be able to look back on this and HAVE to read the words in order to remember the feelings. That all sounds so dramatic for talking about a job, but it's that bad right now. I don't know if it's just me or if this happens to everybody but right now, I can't remember a time when I was more overwhelmed. I have Palmer Chiropractic which I was handed a while back, they didn't like the pictures I took or the tag i made the first time. So we decided to give it another go, by this time it was already past the scheduled air date. They didn't like my script or my visual layout of the commercial so they rewrote it all. It doesn't bother me that they want and ahve a say in their commercial, it bothers me that I've begun allowing them to walk all over me. It's not a very plesant feeling and it sure doesn't help build confidence. They still haven't gotten back to me. I have First Dominion Home Health. I was SO intimidated on my very first meeting with Reya and Henry and I don't know how well I did but they actually did like my script so that was a help in the confidence/feelings area. I still am working on taking charge of these projects, knowing what my place is. So things are moving slowly on that project as well. Reya is barely ever in town so that minimizes our shoot dates and I sort of put her in charge of finding talent for the commercial and that's been SUPER slow as well. Again, the scheduled air date has come and gone. I feel like all the sales people are down there talking about the mistakes I'm making and how I'm slow at getting the ball rolling. I REALLY am always thinking about what other people are thinking about me. Is that because I judge people alot that I think they are always judging me? Sad. I have C & E's Restaurant which is all just edit and slowing me down, getting a little frustrated with the little things I haven't figured out about Premiere yet. What could have taken like an hour has turned into me staying at work until 8 o 'clock on two nights this week and I'm not even that impressed with the outcome. Although Wade did make a quick mention of liking my idea for it's template. That raised my spirits a bit! I need praise, I don't think it's that bad of a thing to need, is it? I've tried to tell myself that I'm okay without it but I really do need it to keep going and to reaffirm things. I have Williams Morrison Light & Moreau attorneys which is a little scary expecially because I know the guy is super busy so I'll maybe get one phone call with him. ONE. I still get nervous on the phone with people, I'm getting better but when I get nervous I can't think straight and i forget to ask questions and i forget what I need to do to get the ball rolling and use that phone call productively. Plus, shooting something for a lawyer firm... yikes. I have Workforce Solutions. This guy is a creep. And in our meeting he asked me how long I've been "doing this" for. He asked it in a demeaning way that really bothered me. And it bothered me even more when Kristin told him that we have a whole TEAM who would help me and when we go to shoot this, I wouldn't be shooting it by myself, someone would be handling the camera and all the "technical" stuff. I know she was just trying to save our tails but that was still annoying. So this guy doesn't seem to have a sense of humor but wants a funny commercial. Funny is HARD to pull off, you have to do it just right. Scary. I have Central Virginia Soil Consulting. They are a nice couple, a little intimidating, but I can get over that becasue they are nice. I have a script written for them and they tweaked it a bit but i think they liked it. I think that I may actually be able to shoot them first it looks like. I feel like I've wasted so many weeks doing nothing and now I have ALL these piled on my desk. Wade also has be doing a LHOV segment by myself in Roanoke on Monday, i really wish he'd taught me to use the DV cam but i have to take Lucy and the tripod... I can't be too overwhelmed by that, it'll be alright. Tab is intimidating but he is also a nice guy, he'll understand. I feel like I have even more projects than these, but maybe not. It's SOO many. I need to get them done and in Wade's box ASAP. I don't know if I've really been able to explain the overwhelming feeling that I've been feeling. It's hard to go home knowing there's so much you have to do and so much your behind on. There's times i want to quit so badly... just give up. Something is making me hold on. I don't know what it is. It's probably the LORD reminding me of things - "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength," "I will not give you anything that you cannot handle." It must be because I've imagined KC coming up to me and asking if I want to quit today and even though it would be so tempting, I don't know if I could do it. That'd be the easy way out and it would profit me nothing. Man, I don't feel like I did a good job of really explaining my feelings...to myself...for reading...later. Well I cried alot this week and I came right home and went to bed each night. I was a party pooper. Noone understands, Heidi tried one night but I don't think she really cares. Plus, I still totally can't explain my feelings. I just don't know how to do that. I wonder if I ever will be able to do that.