Do I need God?

Do you feel like you need God daily?

I mean, I can say the words to Him because I want to need Him but that's not the same as knowing how utterly helpless and needy I actually am. I wonder though, is this lack of need because I face every day with the plan to live out Marissa's agenda? Because if that's why, then I'm correct, I don't really need Him for that.
But what if I want more? What if I want these days I've been given to count for eternity? What if I truly desire the full life that Jesus offers in His kingdom of 'the lease shall be the greatest'?

Oh my Savior, how I need thee! Every hour I need thee!

Psalm 112:1

every time I answer my door, it's a new surprise. this afternoon I got to hear a story that made my heart smile.

"Miss Marissa, today at school, I was standing in the lunch line behind a boy who had a broken foot and I prayed for him"

that's all she wanted to say before going off again to play with her friends, and I closed the door, so grateful to be a part of her special little life.

"well that happened..."

it's a phrase I've found myself using a lot lately. sometimes it's related to a situation I just had no control over, or maybe I made a decision that I later regretted because of the outcome. I guess it's my way of dealing with something that didn't go the way I'd imagined but unfortunately there's no turning back. by vocalizing, maybe I think the situation will then mend itself, "that happened, nothing I can do now, time to just move on." If only it were that simple to put the past behind.

I don't know about you, but I am way to quick to allow a particular thought or feeling rule my mind. And when I say rule, I mean it. straight up idolizing that feeling, worshiping even. I can think on that feeling and that feeling only.

so that happens... what's so wrong with that? I had one of those days recently. I just wanted to pout and hide myself by running. the problem is, what was controlling my mind? I was. me. that same night where I was really struggling, Jesus spoke to me though one particular page in my devotional.

I am renewing your mind. when your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.

 Jesus, my victory and sole source of strength. how could I lose sight of you so quickly? and look what happens when I quit seeking your face? I am so incredibly weak.

A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation...I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.

here comes 30, ready or not

wow - what a year it's been. I am floored when I think of all that's happened. There are days when I look at my life and the only comment I can make is "what a mess"... but what a beautiful mess God has made it. I can't say it enough, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my life looking like this before my 30th birthday but I love what He's done with my dreams. He has been making my heart His, my desires, His.

I have decided to follow Jesus and there is no turning back. I pray the same for you. Jesus's call is really a call to die. We give up our old lives because we have been promised the beginnings of something brand new! And this brand new life will not make sense to unbelievers. It may be mocked or avoided but that's okay because we know that this world can not satisfy - we labor for another kingdom!

I can't say that I'm really ready for turning 30 this coming month but I am extremely pumped to spend every single year living a life that makes less and less sense to this world and points a clear path straight at the One who deserves all the glory.

grief

Tonight I watched as my girl did something that I would never wish for anyone. I watched her, on her hands and knees, digging the perfect sized hole for the bouquet of flowers. And before laying out the colorful "it's my birthday" sash, she wrapped the balloon string around the stake one more time to keep it from blowing away with the next breeze. Everything she did tonight, she did in brave, bold, love. I watched as she loved her sister and cared nothing about herself. The cemetery was dark by now but we didn't even notice. I don't know how she did it, but she held it together until we stood up again. As we started singing happy birthday, the pain was all too real again. "Why did she have to die?" "I want her to be back."


I am so proud of this girl. I held her and rocked her as she sobbed through her painful, broken heart. I felt utterly helpless. One of those moments where every answer you have ever been taught is questioned by your heart. Today Kaylyn would have been 15. I wish I'd known her but I do know her sister. Watch, as I learn to love this daughter of mine and care nothing about myself.