gloriously ruined

Well I'm almost 7 months into my experience of being a first time mom. No diapers, bottles, spit up rags or baby weight to lose. Instead, it's been a whirlwind of teenage mood swings, social workers, therapy appointments and school suspensions. If this were a story I was writing, I'd choose the infant. But it's not my story. I can't ever make that clear enough, I didn't chose this, this didn't chose me, God is working this together. He's the only possible way this story may one day have a beautiful, shiny ending. For many years I was building a 'life wall' using bricks that were completely average looking. Doing my best to set them all straight, using the perfect amount of mortar surrounding each block so it would be even and pretty to each eye that gazed upon it. That wall is absolutely worthless, because I was building it for the kingdom of me. There's another Kingdom and the God of that Kingdom builds glorious cities with the most beautiful bricks and stones. His walls aren't built for the same damaging reasons that mine are. They are carefully crafted to point eyes and hearts to the Creator of this entire universe. They may involve pain and hurt, yet they sparkle because they have an eternal element to them that can not be lost or stolen.

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

So back to the mom thing. I've been a mom for 7 months, my daughter has been a kid for almost 14 years. 14 YEARS! This chick has way more experience at being a kid than I do at being a mom, can you see the disadvantage I'm at? Yeah, I've learned SO stinkin' much but even now I'm not prepared for this. Do you want to know what I think the biggest struggle is? The hardest part in all of this is lacking affection. I didn't have 14 years to grow to love this child. I didn't experience the "I'd give my life for you" moment that most parents feel the first time they lay eyes on their screaming newborn. I know as well as anyone that love is more than a feeling... but I keep praying that the Lord will shape my heart into a heart of compassion. A heart that looks ever so similar to His beautiful, loving heart.

When you foster and love a young person whose entire being has been so damaged, don't think that you can come out the other side with clean hands and a whole heart. To love them, you must enter into the pain and rejection. You will feel it yourself. You will tell yourself that you don't deserve to be treated like this. And then you will hear His voice, "she didn't deserve it either."

Someone once used the term, "gloriously ruined." My life plans have been ruined, gloriously.